I don’t know if it’s because of my age or the fire and mudslides, my community and I have lived through and continue to do so, but I noticed lately, I cannot listen to music without weeping. I’m sure it’s a combination of both. The lyrics are so true, (not talking about anything by Kanye or Kendra) mind you. How, I wonder, could I never have heard them before? The timber of the voices, Adele, Sam Smith, John Legend, just to name a few, just the timber alone is so beautiful, it’s enough to make me cry. And I definitely cannot listen to Tony Bennett in front of anybody, cause there will be a waterfall of tears. They describe heartache, sorrow, happiness, love and all depth of feeling in a way that makes tears well up. I’ve been through what they are talking about, the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been lucky enough to have the huge highs and lived long enough to have the horrendous lows. I have had all those feelings and when I hear a particular song, I weep. Not in a bad way but just weep for the memory of the day or the time it takes me back to. Sometimes I cry, because I will never have those days again and sometimes I cry because I’ve had those feelings of longing forever, for what I do not know.
This is not to say I walk around crying every day. Some days I don’t hear the songs, even though I am listening to them in my ear. I’m thinking other things, my mind is wandering, or I’m planning something in my head. I’m busy in my brain. Buzzing. It’s when my mind is open and I am actually listening that the lyrics grab me.
Now, Bruno Mars has a whole other effect on me. He says he just wants to make music that makes people feel happy. Well, he does! I love to feel his music, I don’t care what his lyrics are. I love how it makes me feel, happy, alive, grateful, all those things. I dance around the house, I walk with him in my ears and I feel like prancing. Well, why don’t you just listen to Bruno, you ask????
That’s a good question. Sometimes, I want to indulge myself in my feelings. Sometimes, I want to remember all of it, and it’s worth the pain. It’s ok, it’s a flash flood of pain, not a tsunami , and can be erased in a minute by a phone call or hug from a grandchild, or a look at the ocean.
Maybe it’s just a part of this long road we are on. We feel, hear and see more. I think it’s a lucky side effect of aging! It beats not feeling any day.
Here is part of a poem I wrote that I think explains what I mean;
“I want to feel the ultimate emotion.
After all is said and done,
isn’t that what we all want?"